Self-care with Internal Family Systems
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, self-care often takes a backseat. We get caught up in work, family responsibilities, and endless to-do lists, leaving little room to nurture ourselves.
But what if I told you that understanding and embracing all parts of yourself could lead to better self-care and overall well-being?
This is what it means embracing wholeness within, and integrating parts of ourselves that we aren’t aware of and that subsequently, drive some of our less than ideal behaviors in the background.
This means fully allowing all emotions to be expressed, all parts of ourselves to be acknowledged and heard.
Each of us has an ‘inner family’ of different versions of ourselves through different ages and experiences.
This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) comes into play.
What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?
IFS is a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. It’s based on the idea that our mind is not a singular entity but rather a collection of sub-personalities, or “parts.” From a somatic perspective, different parts of ourselves live in our bodies and our nervous system, and we can sense them by increasing awareness of our internal felt senses (physical, emotional, energetic, and mental).
Each part has its own perspective, emotions, and memories. By allowing them to speak and be witnessed, we allow for all parts of ourselves to be expressed. Understanding these parts of ourselves helps us to adopt more positive behaviors, understand others and their parts better, and move through challenges without getting stuck by parts of ourselves that have good intentions but ultimately self-sabotage.
These parts can be divided into three main categories: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters.
- Exiles are parts that carry wounds and traumas from past experiences. They often hold painful emotions and memories.
- Managers are protective parts that try to keep us safe by preventing these wounds from surfacing. They are often perfectionistic, critical, or controlling.
- Firefighters are reactive parts that step in when the Exiles break through, often leading to impulsive or self-destructive behaviors to numb the pain.
At the core of IFS is the belief that we all have a Self, a wise, compassionate, and calm center that can lead and heal these parts. Like meditation, when we are operating from the Self, we can see these parts from above and a different perspective, and we can recognize when a part is attempting to drive us unconscioiusly.
How IFS Promotes Self-Leadership
1. Increased Self-Awareness
IFS helps you become aware of your internal landscape. By identifying and understanding your parts, you gain insight into your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This heightened self-awareness allows you to recognize when certain parts are activated and how they influence your actions.
For instance, you might notice that a critical Manager part is driving you to work excessively, neglecting your need for rest and relaxation. By acknowledging this part, you can begin to set healthier boundaries and prioritize self-care.
2. Compassionate Self-Dialogue
One of the most powerful aspects of IFS is fostering a compassionate dialogue between your Self and your parts. Instead of battling or suppressing difficult emotions, you approach them with curiosity and kindness.
Imagine you’re feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Rather than pushing these feelings away, you can gently ask, “Which part of me is feeling this way?” What if there wasn’t anything to fix? You might discover that an Exile part is holding onto a past fear. By listening to this part and offering reassurance, you can soothe it and reduce your anxiety.
3. Balancing Your Internal System
IFS encourages balance among your parts. When all parts feel heard and valued, they can work together harmoniously. This balance is essential for maintaining overall well-being.
For example, if your Firefighter part tends to overindulge in comfort food when stressed, you can work with this part to find healthier coping mechanisms. By addressing the underlying need for comfort and offering alternatives, you can take better care of your physical and emotional health.
4. Empowerment through Self-Leadership
IFS empowers you to lead your life from your Self, the center of wisdom and compassion. When your Self is in charge, you make decisions that align with your true values and needs, fostering genuine self-care.
Say you’ve been neglecting your need for creative expression because your Manager part insists on focusing solely on productivity. By connecting with your Self, you can gently reassure the Manager and carve out time for activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Practical Steps to Incorporate IFS into Your Self-Care Routine
1. Mindful Check-Ins: Take a few moments each day to check in with your internal system. Notice which parts are active and how they’re feeling. This practice enhances self-awareness and helps you stay attuned to your needs.
2. Self-Compassion Practices: Cultivate self-compassion by speaking kindly to yourself, especially when difficult emotions arise. Remember, all parts are trying to protect you in their own way.
3. Seek Guidance: Consider working with a coach that use an IFS approach or using IFS resources to deepen your understanding and practice. Having professional support can be immensely beneficial, and it’s why I use this approach in my 1:1 embodiment coaching program Wholeness Within.
4. Create Balance: Strive for balance in your life by honoring all parts and their needs. This might involve setting boundaries, incorporating relaxation into your routine, or pursuing hobbies that nourish your soul.
Embracing a New Way of Self-Leadership
Internal Family Systems offers a compassionate and holistic approach to self-leadership and self-care. By understanding and embracing your internal parts, you can create a more balanced, fulfilling, and nurturing life. Remember, true self-care is not just about pampering yourself but also about nurturing your inner world with kindness and compassion. So, take a step back, listen to your parts, and let your Self lead the way.
With warmth,
Emily Grace
This is the work I support clients with in my 1:1 program, which you can learn more about here.
