Trauma is always Seeking Completion
In this next sneak preview of my book Wholeness Within, we explore the key lessons I learned from a back to back move to another major city.
Last chapter, I was living in London and I was unexpectedly laid off. Even though that did shake my confidence, I was brave enough (or just crazy enough?) to pursue another opportunity at the same company, but this time, in their office in New York City.
Despite the not-so-great fit in the corporate culture and role in London, I desperately wanted to cling to the old life I had, and the advice I received from those around me was to go back to that path. So I did, because at the time I didn’t trust my authority anymore, so I took other people’s advice first, vs. tuning into my own needs.
In making a major move to London, and now having no home base as I stayed with my mom in Boston for a few months, I was really open to opportunities anywhere in the US and was excited for new opportunities. I wasn’t done exploring despite this experience, I hungered for more. I interviewed for roles in California, Florida, and New York.
Repeating a pattern is a resolution
Through a referral from a previous manager at my role in Boston, I interviewed for a role in New York City. I went down for the day for a full day of interviews with the entire team. It was hard to pass up what I saw as a second chance to redeem myself from my experience in London.
From what I now know about the resolution process of trauma, particularly from the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, is that trauma attempts to resolve itself through repeated patterns and events, that are intelligently designed by the human psyche to complete the trauma healing through it’s full expression. I had experienced trauma in London that was unresolved, I locked it in a closet, and moved forward only to find that the experience was following me somewhere new, but in a different way. Have you ever experienced that?
Here’s the thing, moving to NYC, and even the work experience, were all a lot easier since I already had moved through and learned from similar experiences in London. My move to New York was infinitely easier right off the bat: I already had a beautiful apartment with roommates lined up before I arrived through a family friend. That took a lot of stress and uncertainty off my plate that I had experienced in London.
Comfortable on my Own
I also felt a lot less lonely. I was more comfortable exploring the city on my own and that in turn allowed me to make friends fairly quickly, both through my work and outside of work. I started learning more about myself, and how I was becoming an interesting, independent, motivated person.
My friends in NYC taught me this: they were so creative, outgoing, and inspiring, they worked in nursing, photography, music, and dance, but they all had side creative projects and this is where I started to write on a freelance basis and offer marketing support for an artist agency in the same way.
Like so many who are drawn to NYC to reinvent themselves, that is what this opportunity gifted me. The city’s vibrant energy gave me permission to be bold, and explore different interests and facets of myself. I went to free comedy shows, art exhibits, concerts, pop up creative events: the options were endless. I really began to nurture the long-lost creative side of myself that I was desperately seeking for wholeness. Creativity is something inherent to all humans, and it heals us through our personal an emotional expression.
Discovering I was a Highly Sensitive Person
On the other side of this, I was starting to discover how sensitive I was to external stimuli. I lived in Murray Hill, close to Grand Central station, and even though I was on a quiet street right next to the East River, with my own balcony facing the river, I noticed how drained I felt after simply walking around the bustling city.
I walked everywhere mostly, so it really started becoming an issue where I’d have to lay down and nap after going about my daily routine. One day I googled “feeling drained from loud noises and lights” and I found out about the personality trait of the Highly Sensitive Person, coined by Elaine Aron.
I took a short quiz on the website and learned about this trait that affects 15-20% of the population, and so much of my life experience now made sense. This new awareness gave me a lot of compassion and understanding for myself.
Still, I was living an inauthentic life, living as a victim. I didn’t like the work I was doing, it led to conflicts with my team, and I complained about it all the time to the people around me, instead of making hard choices and having vulnerable conversations.
Instead I would escape on my breaks at work to a platform on the tip of Manhattan sitting in the sun on an Adirondack chair. I knew something better for me was out there but I didn’t see another way to give myself permission to pursue that.
So I escape and numbed myself to avoid the discomfort. Like so many women, I thought I had to settle for the best I could get, which seemed to be this life. I thought I had to make my parents proud, live up to societal expectations for me to follow a certain path to success.
The Wake Up Call
One rainy day, I couldn’t escape to my trusted spot in the sun. I felt empty as usual staring at my computer screen, looking at Outlook, on edge in the open cubicle seating plan. A phone call from a number in my hometown flashed on my cell.
I never usually answered unknown numbers but this one I instantly knew something was wrong and I should answer. I was only able to be shaken awake from this sleepwalk of life I was living with a dramatic change, and this is the phone call that would change the trajectory of my life.
I hope this gave you insight into how you can always see challenges as an opportunity to grow and evolve. I will see you in the next post!
This is a distillation of Chapter Three: New York City, in my book Wholeness Within: Insights from One Woman’s Journey of Creating a Life & Career in Alignment.
xo Emily Grace
